I’m not one for cursing, please excuse the title, but hot damn…jealousy is ugly, isn’t it? Especially towards those you love.
I’ve been hitting the gym since February. That’s about 3 months now. I know I haven’t pushed as hard and I know I haven’t watched my food in take as much as I should have. I shouldn’t be surprised that the scale doesn’t move much. In fact, I wasn’t even going into this whole thing with a weight loss goal (until recently). I just wanted to get moving, feel better, get the blood flowing and not be so sedentary. And, I’ve been doing just that and I do feel better when I hit the gym. I have just started to push harder this week (and the scale moved down today!).
BUT, pDaddy just started going to the gym a couple of weeks ago. That would be 2, maybe 3, weeks ago. As of Tuesday night, he was so right in praising himself for seeing some results and losing 8lbs. He lost 8lbs in 2-3 weeks. I lost 8.5lb just as of today…3 months later. 12 weeks later.
At first, I was proud of him and did the usual “You suck! I can’t believe it!” because that’s how it’s always been. He would just be able to get the weight off quicker when we got into our “we need to get in shape” modes. But as the night went on and we were chatting over dinner, he mentioned it again. And, here’s where it gets ugly, I cut him off and got my angry voice on and told him to stop rubbing it in (more than once)! It went something like this:
HIM: I can’t believe I’m at this weight now. That’s 8lbs and I don’t even go to the gym a lot.
ME: Do you have to rub it in? (starting to sound sarcastic)
HIM: I didn’t really change my eating much either.
ME: Yes you did, you only had a veggie burger today and salad yesterday.
HIM: Yeah, but still…that’s pretty awesome, right?
ME: Seriously, rub it in some more. Do you have to keep rubbing it in?
I didn’t yell, but my tone definitely changed and I sounded really mad at him…He just looked at me dumbfounded and then collected his thoughts and said he wasn’t trying to rub it in…it wasn’t something against me or to make me feel bad. I, finally, get it together and apologize. I OPENLY admit that I’m not mad, just jealous…I mean, I was seriously jealous…like I felt myself turning green with envy.
I think that took him for a loop because I’m not really the jealous type – ESPECIALLY when it comes to other women / girls and such. Ask him, it used to bother him when we first started dating and didn’t act like crazy, jealous girl b/c some girl was looking at our direction / looking at him…or that I didn’t acknowledge it (even if I did notice it).
Anyway, I continue to apologize and say that I’m just jealous and that I wasn’t mad at him. We continue on through the night and all is well. Still, I can’t help, but feel bad. So, during one of our email exchanges yesterday, I apologized again:
…I’m really sorry about last night. I wasn’t mad at you. I was just, seriously and ashamedly(is that a word?), jealous. I wish I could lose as quickly as you, but my body’s just not built to be like that anymore. I know I’m not that college freshman that kept losing weight no matter how much and how many times I ate! I’m not that 20something that would go to the gym to just “tone” up b/c I had no real weight to lose. I just get frustrated sometimes and took it out on you. Sorry… They’re not kidding when they say jealousy is ugly, huh? Sorry for being selfish there. Instead of me praising you and being supportive, like I usually would, jealousy reared its ugly head But honestly, was not mad you. Keep doing what you’re doing. It actually gives me hope when I see your transformations.
He writes back and says:
Oh, no worries…nagulat lang ako konte (translation: I was just a little surprised) but I hear your frustration. Sorry too for I was praising myself (as usual), hehe…but not appropriate when you’re trying to lose and I end up being the one that loses the weight. Don’t worry, you’ll get there eventually – who’s rushing anyways . I just feel bad that you have to work harder than I do …but whatever your goal is – just know you’re fine just the way you are
And what happened? I felt worse for being such a jealous biatch and teared.
Lesson Learned? Get over thyself and stop the damn pity party. Be thankful for supportive spouses…especially when they have to deal with your crazeeee.